when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
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