1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
There r osticjed everywhere
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
