Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
