i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
