Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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