a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
