I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
