My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
