If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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