Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
