She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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