It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
