you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Randomize
