atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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