I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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