i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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