i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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