First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
