I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Terrible idea I love it
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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