My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
