i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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