I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Randomize
