Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
