If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
You pole danced in your parka.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
