strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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