She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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