You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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