A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
