nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
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We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
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I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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