I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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