My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
