Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Randomize
