She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Randomize
