If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
