dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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