I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
