Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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