Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize
