I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
