I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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