you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
