I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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