I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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