3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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