I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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