You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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