Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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