Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
