shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
