these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Randomize
