i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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