I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.