omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
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Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
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On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home