2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize