so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
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and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
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tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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