A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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