mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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