I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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