He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
