He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
